Whats up time for some Friday jokes

[Redmachine]

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.
So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a
chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the
farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, looks toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, they found a bull and cow mating. Grandpa explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses, also in the process of mating. Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night, at supper, after everyone was seated, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

 

[xcelr8n]

funniest part of all that was #10 the stamp licker... too funny

 

[SoilentGreen98]

haha, yeah, the stamp licker is priceless

 

[L2RTSiAWD]

Credits to rev from another forum for posting it earlier.




A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[T9S1i]

Go Kenny GO!! you horny bastard!!!

 

[tigmandick]

Quick Joke 1
A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective.
It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and
the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"


Quick Joke 2
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"


Quick Joke 3
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

[roshique]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The
phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the
Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

 

[Shane818]

So a nun is finished with church and decides to walk home. She takes off her wimbol ( the white collar thing ) so now she is dressed in black head to toe. She's walked down the street and passes a bar. All of a sudden a drunk man dives out of the bar and punches her in the face. He begins to stomp on her until another man comes out and pulls away the drank. as he pulls her away the drunk yells, "your not so tough now are you, Batman!"


Another:
A penguin is driving his car when he notices its starting to overheat. He pulls into a garage and the mechanic says he needs an hour to look at it. The penguin says ok and goes next door to get some ice cream. Not having any hands the penguin gets all of the ice cream on his beak. He goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says It looks like you've blown a seal. The penguin says back no its ice cream.

 

[i jus 8 ur vtec]

credit goes to multiple site.......................



1; there's a lady walking down the street, a man walks up to her and says''ma'am may i lick your nipples for 100 dollars?'' digusted the woman makes a grunt and proceeds to walk............the man walks in front of her again and says''ma'am may i lick your nipples for 1,000 dollars?'' the lady says''i dont know what your thinking but im not that kind of girl''............she walks away again,and the guy gets in front of her one more time,says''ma'am, let me lick your nipples for 100,000 dollars'' the lady thinks...then she says ''well 100000 is a lot of money'' so she agrees.they go to an alley...the man begins to caress her breast suck them and rub them but doesnt lick the nipples.....the lady asks''well arent u going to lick the nipple?'' the man says''hell no! that cost too much!''


Monty