Funny Joke Thread

[SexxieRacerChik]

Coach walks up and asks his 6'5 almost 300lb Line back:

Coach: Say Eric why in the world are you dating a 5'2 110 lb cheerleader... she's the size of your hand?

Line Back: Because she's alot better then my hand

 

[thehyena]

This women goes into labor. They rush to the hospital. When they are there,
the doctor comes in and tells the husband about the new invention they have

He says, "This machine right here makes it easier for the women to have a
kid. You strap this to your wrist and the father of the child will feel the
pain. Want to give it a try?"

"Sure, why not."

So they strap it to his wrist.

"We are going to turn it up to 30% to begin with."

So they do and the guy feels nothing so they turn it up to 50%. He still
can't feel anything so they turn it up to 75%. The guy still feels nothing
so they turn it all the way up. The lady has the kid.

"Man, I didn't feel a thing," said the guy.

"Ya, me either." Said the wife.

Later that day the wife and husband go home. When they get home, they find
the milk man dead on the back porch.

 

[RoasT BeeF]

The day before Thanksgiving.

Mom, dad, and son are all getting ready for family to come over for the Thanksgiving feast.

Dad is upstairs shaving when he cuts himself. "Ah shit!" he says. The son hears him and comes in, "Dad what does shit mean?" "Shavin son."

Later that day mom and dad are fighting...."You b*tch, you bastard." The son asks, "What does bi*** and bastard mean?" "Grandma and Grandpa son."

That night the parents are having sex. "Nice tits, nice balls." The son asks "What's tits and balls mean?" "Luggage son."

Later that day mom is in the kitchen carving a turkey when she cuts herself. "AH F*ck" she says. "mom whats f*ck mean?" "carvin a turkey son."

Pretty soon the door bell rings. The kid says "I'LL GET IT!" He opens the door and its his grandparents. The kid says "Oh hi bi*** and bastard can I take your tits and balls? Dads upstairs shittin and moms fu*kin the turkey!"

 

[GSX4LIFE]

Three men driving, break down and have to find a place to stay. The only thing they see is a very old house. After knocking on the door, a very ugly, old, rinkled woman answeres. "What can I do for you three gents?", she asks. "Well, maam, our car broke down, and we were wondering if we could spend the night here", one of them asks. "Sure you can", the woman replied. "But the last one to leave, has to #### me" The men agree, hoping to sneak out before she wakes in the morning. The next day, 2 of the men wake up at the same time, and get out of the house as quickly as they can, both laughing at thier friends fate! When the last man wakes, he tries to sneak out, but the haggard old lady heads him off at the door. "Ahh, Ahh" she says, with a grin. "You have to #### me!" "OK, but you have to close your eyes", the man says. He quickly goes to the refrigerator, and finds some corn on the cob. He services the old woman, and promptly throws the corn out the window. "Now you have to #### me in the ass sonny", she demands. So the man, grabs another cob and goes to town on her. Once again, he disposes of the evidence by chucking it out the window. After finishing his task, he is left on his way by the old hag. The man is greated outside by his laughign buddies, "Man! While you were in thier ####ing that old bi***, we were out here eating this BUTTERED CORN, we found!!"

 

[RedEclipseGS]

HOw can you tell when a girl is horny????

When she sits on your hand and feels like a horse is eating out of it.

my friend wanted that posted...he got it from his grandfather who has some other jokes ill try to post

 

[BD1]

Black guy and White guy are arguing about whether God is black or white. White guy says "Call up to heaven and ask God what he is.". Black guy says alright, then says "God, you black or white?"

God answers back down "I AM WHO I AM"

Black guy says "I knew he was a brother!"

White guy says, "If he was black he would have said, I is who I is."


Another racist joke by BD!

 

[thehyena]

A woman went in to a doctors and says:

Woman: "I think I have a problem I can't get a boyfriend"

Doctor: "Well strip and bend over.... I see the problem you have exactly
disease"

Woman: "What's exactly disease?"

Doctor: "It's when your face looks exactly like your ass!"

 

[thehyena]

Three old ladies were walking home from shopping and the stopped in a pub.

When they were drinking their Gin'n'Tonics they were talking about what to
give their doorman for christmas.

The first old lady said "Oh I'm going to give the little dear money.He looks
like he needs some"

The second old lady said "I've seen him down here before so I'll get him
some beer."

The first and second old ladies looked at the third and asked her what she'd
give him.

The third one replied "I'm going to give him sex."

"Sex!"

"Yes,when I asked my husband what we should give him last night he just said
"The doorman? F##K THE DOORMAN!"

 

[SexxieRacerChik]

*this is probabaly dirtier then I should put.. but here goes*

a man is driviing along and he's really gotta **** (figure it out) but all the stores are deserted or closed...so he drives and finally he can't take it anymore so he takes a side road to find a open store..and he comes up on this redneck, out in the middle of nowehere, gas station. He goes around back to the bathroom..sits down..and does what he needs to do...only to find NO TOILET PAPER..f*cking great he mutters...so looks around and see's this note written on the wall next to a hole..."take your first 2 fingers, wipe your ass, insert in hole..and 2 human lips will lick the shit right off your finger"...he stares in disbelief and sits there for an hour trying to figure out what to do...finally he looks around wipes his ass with his fingers and sticks them in the hole....*on the other side* the redneck store owner is waiting, holding 2 bricks..which he takes and bams the guys fingers with!!...the guys jerks his fingers back and proceeds to stick them in his mouth to console the hurt.....

 

[thehyena]

OH MAN!!!! that's horrible... i'm doin that to somebody muahahaha

 

[RedEclipseGS]

man sounds just like alabama ............(im from AL so i can say that)

 

[luv2eclipse]

This couple just got married and at the reception it's family tradition for the bride to dance with the best man. So they started dancing and the groom freaks out, runs up to his bride and kicks her in the crotch. A big riot broke out and they went to court over the dispute. The judge asks the groom "Why did you do that?" The groom didn't reply. The judge asked the best man "Why are you counter-sueing the groom?" The best man replies "Cuz the f*cker broke 3 of my fingers"

 

[luv2eclipse]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens
to be her husband's best friend. They make love
for hours, and afterwards, while they're just
laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the
woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over at her and listens, only
hearing her side of the conversation...(She is
speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks,
"Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me
all about the wonderful time he's having on his
fishing trip with you."

 

[luv2eclipse]

What do you call the useless flesh around the vagina?






The woman.

 

[thehyena]

A blonde went out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on
the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouted, "how can I get to the other
side?"

The second blonde looked up the river then down the river then shouted back,
"You're already on the other side."

 

[thehyena]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it
alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

[thehyena]

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a
new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of
driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class
uses it.

 

[thehyena]

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
retarded baby?
The y named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office
is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on
the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to
say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
*BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale
and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 

[thehyena]

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully
loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is ### and dances in a ### bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

 

[thehyena]

A man walked into a bar. He said to the bartender order me up a round. As he
sits down he sees a jar full of 100 dollar bills. He then asks the bartender
what is this jar of 100 dollar bills here for?

And the bartender says first, you have to place a 1-hundred dollar bill in.
"thats just to play". After, you see that Huge guy over there with the bulging muscles? You have to knock him out in one punch.

Then, you have to go out back an pull the tooth of a dog that has a tooth
ache.

After you are through with that, you must go over to that lady and make love to her.

If you do all of these things you can have every dollar in the jar. The man says well I don't know. So the man continues to order his drinks. When he gets to his 36th drink he decided it was about that time. He was going to win that money.

So he walked over to the man an knocked him out in one punch just like the bartender had said. Then he went out back with the dog....and all you hear is this loud angry dog growls and barks and the man walks bak into the bar. The bartender looks at him. The mans shirt was all torn and bloody.

Next thing the man says is "Ok so where is that old lady who needs her tooth pulled"?

 

[luv2eclipse]

I got a Joke for you..............




















GalantGSR91.............

 

[thehyena]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship
that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher
answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the
gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need
all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the
question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately
for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."