Funny Joke Thread

[92BaSeBoMBeR]

A man and his wife are driving across country from WA to florida. The mans wife starts yelling for the man 2 pull over because a cop has his sirens on behind them. Then officer runs the plates then walks up to the car and says, "where you folks from." They woman replies, " Washington officer, just passing through your state, its so beatiful." The officer nods and asks the man where he's from. The man doesnt answer so the cop looks 2ward the wife. "HE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOUR FROM HONEY!" the wife yells. The husband replies, " Washinton, passing through toward Florida." The cop says, "Thats funny, i had the worst piece of ass in washinton." "What?" the man says. His wife turns and yells "HE SAYS HE KNOWS U!"

1 more ^^

Guy goes to his dr and says he needs a double prescription of viagra. The dr asks why and the man says he has his wife and his gf coming over 1 after the other to stay with him this weekend. The dr does it and the following monday the man comes in2 the dr.s office with a sling on. The dr. asks what happened? "No1 showed up.."

 

[chuckdog_5]

This Mushroom walks into a bar...
Mushroom says i want a scoth with no ice
Bartender looks at him and kinda stares....and says sorry man, we dont serve your kind here
Mushroom says why not im a Funguy(fungi)

for some reason i think that is hilarious

 

[thehyena]

On the first day of University, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules: "The female Halls will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male Halls to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one
hundred and eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"

A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

 

[94TalonEs]

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the
bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper, so he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hands?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away." He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "what do you have in your hand?" So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he will get scared away." Then his Mom got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!" And the little boy said, "oh great Mom, now look what you
did, you scared the shit out of him!"
jay

 

[thehyena]

Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer, were called for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and
said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't
Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the
body's identity.

Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and
said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't
Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would
say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

 

[thehyena]

Two rednecks are driving to Atlanta and are pulled over for speeding.

The officer approaches the car and tells the driver he was speeding, the
driver replies, "Oh I thought you pulled me over because I didn't have a
license."

The passenger then says, "Don't listen to him officer he always talks like
that when he's drunk."

 

[luv2eclipse]

Not really a joke, but still funny
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off in 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the restroom.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares" and see what happens.
5. Go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of m&m's on lawaway.
6. Move a CAUTION WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them if they bring pillows and bedding equipment.
8. When a clerk asks if they can helo you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone".
9. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk i fhe knows where the anti-depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
11. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say " PICK ME, PICK ME!!!!"
13. Wehn an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal posistion and scream " NO! NO! It's those voices again"
and last but not least....
14. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly, "HEY!!! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

 

[90LaserTurbo89k]

"A Headache Cure"

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor
patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen", says the doc "I have migraines, too.., and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a
migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand... especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom and, even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex... and almost always the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! it REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well", says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

 

[pilsner]

guy wakes up one morning and looks down at his dick to notice that it's orange, flaming orange. he's like, , what's wrong with my dick? why is it orange?? so he goes to the doctor. he tells the doctor about his bright orange dick.
the doctor is baffled, "you've got to be kidding, i've got to see this for myself."
guy drops his pants to show the doctor.
doctor says, "hmm, y'know i've heard of this before. might be caused by stress. are there any problems in your marriage?"
"well, my wife and i just divorced, but i was nothing but miserable living with her. my life is wonderful now that i'm single; i'm much happier."
"how's your job going? much stress there?"
"well, i just lost my job. but working there was hell, i hated my job, i hated my boss, it was horrible. i'm much happier the way things are now, stress free."
"really. well what do you do in your spare time? what have you been doing the last few days?'
"well, i haven't really been doing much. i just sit at home eating cheezies and watching porn."

 

[pilsner]

so there's these 4 guys playing golf. they're just teeing off on a hole that has a road running past it. they see that there's a funeral procession passing by.
bob says, "guys, we should stop a minute and just give a minute of silence. y'know, show a little respect for the deceased, take off our hats, and let them pass. then we'll tee off."
jo pipes up, "what? bob, this isn't like you, i've never heard you say something as sympathetic like this. what's come over you?"
bob replies, "well, after i was married to her for 22 years, that's the least i can do."

 

[BD1]

If your offended by racial jokes, pass this one.


A duck and a skunk meet in the woods

The skunk says, "Hey, you have webbed feet, a bill, and feathers, you must be a duck!"

"That's right", the duck says, "....Hmmm you're not quite black, you're not quite white, and you smell like sh1t, you must be a Mexican."


Dirty joke

There are three people on a bus, the bus driver, a passenger, and a nun.

The passenger says to the driver, "Hey that nun is really hot, how can I have sex with her?"

The bus driver says, "Well I drop her off at the cemetary every Wednesday, you could probably dress up like God and command her to have sex with you."

The passenger says, "ok"

On Wednesday the man shows up and says to the nun, "Have sex with me or I shall smite thee."

The nun says, "Ok fine, but can we do it anally? I don't want to lose my virginity."

After their done the passenger takes off his clothes and says "Haha! I am not God, I am the passenger on the bus." The nun takes her clothes off and says "Haha! I am not the nun, I am the bus driver."


Another dirty joke

Man walks into a gun shop in the old west and sees a gun he really likes, but he doesn't have enough money.

Man says, "How could I get that gun, I don't have enough money?"

Owner says, "Well I know my wife is cheating on me but I can't kill her, you do her and it's yours. I'll give you 2 bullets. I want you to put one bullet in her head, and blow off her lover's d1ck"

Man says, "Fine." and walks to the Owner's house.

The man sees the lover and the wife having sex, he aims his gun and BLAM!

Man walks back and says, "Ok I did it, but I only needed 1 bullet."

 

[FourG63 97GST]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we
can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I
heard you tell mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000
mortgage and no fu*king bike."

 

[luv2eclipse]

How much cum can Monica Lewinsky's mouth hold?



1 U.S. leader

 

[luv2eclipse]

Originally posted by 91TSi FWD
The Top 10 Things Men Know About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

True, so very true.

 

[Dericsh]

what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?



















hold on to your nuts this isnt going to be an ordinary blow job

 

[thehyena]

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."

The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said,"No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yes,

I got a grudge, That's where I parks the John Deere"

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer
said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

 

[Pretty97Gst]

There's a guy taking a road trip and as he's traveling he sees a fruit stand that is sellingAPPLES for $5 EACH. So he stops and asks "what's so great about these apples than makes them so pricy?" The stand owner says "They taste like peanut butter and jellySo the guy buys one and takes a bite. "Hey, this only tastes like PB" So the stand owner says "Turn it ARRROUUNDD! " To the guys amazment it tasted like jelly.
So he goes about on his way and he sees another sign APPLES $15 EACH. So he pulls over and asks. This stand owner says thay taste like Peaches and Cream. The guy tries it and says, "Hey, i only taste the cream" The owner says Turn it ARROUNNNNNDD!" Low and behold it tasted like peaches.
So the guy gets on his way again and sees yet another sign. APPLES
$50 EACH. He's like, ", 50 bucks for an apple, i wonder what they taste like." So he stops and the owner says "Sir, these apples taste like ####y. So of course he buys one.
He takes a bite, and is so disgusted that he spits it out and says "This doesn't taste like ####y, this tastes like ASS!" So the owner says to him
"Turn it ARRROUNNNDD!"

 

[thehyena]

saw that comin :laugh:

 

[BD1]

Little boy comes home from school and tell his mother he had sex, the mother is apphauled and tells him to go away. The little boy goes to his sister and tells her, she is disgusted and tells him to beat it. Finally the boy tells his dad he had sex, the dad gives him an "adda boy" and takes him to buy a new bike. When they get out of the shop the dad asks "wouldn't you like to ride your bike home?", the boy says "no, my ass still hurts from earlier today."

 

[thehyena]

ooohhh nooooo!!!! dude that..... was horrible

 

[BD1]

Girl asks a guy, "Have you got any black people on your family tree?"

Guy says, "Yea, but pa hasn't cut him down yet."



Guy and girl are having sex, but the girl's younger sister is on the lower bunk bed, so they have to stop yelling out orgasmal phrases, so whenever they feel something they say "salami salami" or "turkey turkey". Little sister says, would you two stop it, your getting mayonaise all over me!"

 

[thehyena]

Q: Whattya do when you see a faqgot with a half a head
A: Stop laughing and reload


ok i'm not racist and sorry if this offends any one but.....

how do you keep black people from running through your back yard?
hang a few in the front

*EDIT* Mods if you feel this is not appropriate please remove that joke, thanks

 

[GSX4LIFE]

OK, MOM joke time!

Your mom is so fat, she broke her leg and gravy poured out!

Your mom is so fat, she uses a VCR as a Beeper!

Your mom is so fat, she smokes turkeys!

Your mom is so fat, if she wore high heels, she would strike oil!

Your pop is so cheap, if he stood next to a wall,he could suck a brick into his pocket!

Your mom is so poor, she can tpay attention!

Your mom is so stupid, she got locked ina supermarket and starved!

Your mom is so stupid, she got locked in a bathroom and wet her pants!

Your mom is so stupid, she took a box of cheerios back, cause they had holes in them!

Your mom is so stupid, she took a box of Rice Crispies back cause they were talking!

Your mom is in wheel chair talking about "Dont push me around"!

Your mom got no legs, and always trying to stand up for herself!

Your mom is so skinney, she can run through a closed door!

Your mom is so strong, she can throw a feather on the roof!

Your mom is so strong, she has a Bicep on her chin!

Your mom is so strong, she can blow a bubble with a Jolley Rancher!

Your moms lips are so big, they should be a ride at Great Adventure!

Your mom is so black, they marked her absent at night school!

Your moms chest is so hairy, her tities looklike coconuts!

Your mom looks like a well dressed Rotweiler!

Your mom is so old, she farts dust and her tities give powered milk!

Yoru pop is so old he played ball wiht Jesus!

Your mom is so old, her Social Security # is 1!

Your mom is so old, the cops asked her for I.D., and he gave them a rock!

Your family is so poor, your front and back door are on the same hinge!

Your family is so poor, I pressed what I thaught was the door bell, and your whole ####inh house folded up!

Your family is so poor, you have bunkbed couches!

Your house is so nasty, I went to use the bathroom, and the cockroaches said "Hey, wait your turn"!

I asked to use the bathroom in your house, you gave me a bucket and flashlight, and said "May the force be wit you"!



I have about 10,000 more. But Im tired of writing. Let me know if you want more.

 

[BD1]

GSX4LIFE, after that, I don't think I can see you as a wiseman.

 

[lowridin2g]

just need to host this here