Funny Joke Thread

[thehyena]

I searched, couldn't find one... so i started one. post the funniest joke you know, clean, dirty, whatever!
I'll start it off (not the funniest but it is funny)
:ahem:

Three friends - two straight guys and a ### guy - and their significant
others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all
drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head
sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much,
you even married a woman name Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in either. You
loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman
named Candy!"

The ### guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't
look good, Dick."

 

[Isotta91]

Q: How do u get 4 g4y guys to sit on a stool?

A: Flip the stool upside down.

You must be logged in to view this image or video.

 

[thehyena]

A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

 

[thehyena]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[thehyena]

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. "Jesus is gonna get you."

The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you."

The robber started to get a little worried. "What's your name, birdie?"

"Moses."

"What idiot named you Moses?"

"The same idiot who named his rottweiler Jesus."

 

[thehyena]

One morning a girl, called her friend and said, "Please come over and help me, I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it".

The friend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The girl said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The friend figures that she's pretty good at puzzles so she heads on over the girl's house.

The girl lets her friend in the door and shows her where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. The friend studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box, and then she looks at the pieces again for a bit. The friend then turns to the girl and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

 

[thehyena]

eminiem gets busted for drugs.... Well kinda




ps. i love this pic

 

[twenty5psi]

a rabbit was hopping through the woods one day when he ran into a snake..the rabbit goes "can you help me out,im blind and i dont know what i am.."
the snake goes "yeah so am i,maybe we can help each other out"..
so the snake goes"crawl over me and ill tell you what you are "
**rabbit crawls over snake**
the snake then says"well your fury,you have 2 big ears and your back feet are big,you must be a rabbit"..
the rabbit was happy and said "alright now you go"
**snake slithers over rabbit**
the rabbit goes "well your cold,smooth and you have a tail,oh you must be french"..

hehehe..made me laugh..

 

[94TalonEs]

hyena- that pic is great!
printing out a copy now

jay

 

[91TSi FWD]

TEXASTHREE KICK RULE

A big city Californialawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked his what he was doing

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the USand, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texasthree Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

the old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

(I love this part):

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[91TSi FWD]

Kind of ###, but oh well,

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared at him.

The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, what's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eyelid, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fu(ked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

[94TalonEs]

Originally posted by 91TSi FWD
Kind of ###, but oh well,

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared at him.

The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, what's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eyelid, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fu(ked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

hahaha, thats pretty funny

 

[eclipse13]

Old Man's Sex Drive

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks him to
help revive her husband's sex drive. "How about trying
Viagra?" suggests the doctor.

"Not a chance," she replies. "He won't even take an
aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his
coffee and he won't even taste it. Try it and come back
in a week to let me know how things have worked out."

A week later, the elderly woman returned to the doctor.
"Well, how did things go?" he asked.

"Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor."

"Really? What happened?" he asked.

"Well, I did as you suggested and slipped it in his
coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up
and swept the cutlery off the table. Then, he ripped my
clothes off and made passionate love to me on the
tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not
so good?"

"Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25
years, but I'll never be able to show my face at Burger
King again."

 

[eclipse13]

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led
from church to the reformatory. They noticed a parrot
that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.

Every time they passed in front of that house, the
parrot would pronounce three sequential colors. One day
they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns
noticed that those colors perfectly matched the color
of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the
other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that
could be possible.

The next day they all wore black underwear and passed
in front of the house. Precisely the parrot spoke
"black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns
were astonished! One of the nuns suggested: "Girls,
tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day they
would not wear underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no
underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the
Parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. At the
beginning, it looked a bit puzzled, swung back and
forth on the cane on which he rested......after a while
the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

 

[NOSNUSE]

>Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be
>available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
>beverage suitable for use "as is", or as a mixer.
>
>Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims:
>
>"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff
>one."
>
>Obviously we can no longer call this a "soft drink!" This additive
>gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good
>old fashioned stiff drink.
> >
>Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount And Do."

:laugh: damn I need some of that.

 

[TimG]

Kinda un-realistic but here ya go...

A man marries 7 wives who all agree to see him one day out of the week. During thursday and Friday, he sees his 4th and 5th wife and they both don't want kids and make him wear a condom.

With one rubber left he f*cks the shit out of his 4th wife and throws it away. The next day his 5th wife comes over and demands they f*ck right away before her urge goes away.

He rushes to the washroom and remembers that he only has the condom which he used the day before. He is about to drain the cum out of it when it slips from his hand and falls out of the window.

A kid walks buy and picks it up and asks, "What is this?" The guy replies "A twinky, now give it back"... The kid replies "Only for a dollar." The guy throws him a dollar and the kids throws him the rubber.

As the kid goes home he sees his mom and tells her, "Mommy, I sold some guy his twinky back for a dollar and I sucks out all the cream filling."

http://myboringlife.com/what_i/want.html

The site above is great.

 

[91TSi FWD]

Originally posted by TimG
Kinda un-realistic but here ya go...

A man marries 7 wives who all agree to see him one day out of the week. During thursday and Friday, he sees his 4th and 5th wife and they both don't want kids and make him wear a condom.

With one rubber left he f*cks the shit out of his 4th wife and throws it away. The next day his 5th wife comes over and demands they f*ck right away before her urge goes away.

He rushes to the washroom and remembers that he only has the condom which he used the day before. He is about to drain the cum out of it when it slips from his hand and falls out of the window.

A kid walks buy and picks it up and asks, "What is this?" The guy replies "A twinky, now give it back"... The kid replies "Only for a dollar." The guy throws him a dollar and the kids throws him the rubber.

As the kid goes home he sees his mom and tells her, "Mommy, I sold some guy his twinky back for a dollar and I sucks out all the cream filling."

http://myboringlife.com/what_i/want.html

The site above is great.

Reminds me of movie Van Wilder. Totaly discusting.

 

[91TSi FWD]

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf, But Aren't

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And The Number 1 Thing That Sounds Dirty In Golf, But Isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

 

[91TSi FWD]

The Top 10 Things Men Know About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

 

[91TSi FWD]

THE SHIT LIST!
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to shit some more. Sometimes known as the "BUS SHIT", as if you wait a few minutes another one comes along.

THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT
This is where you have eaten some sweetcorn, and miraculously it has reformed into the cob.

THE LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you are afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "POWER DUMP". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. Also known as "THE HOMESICK POO", as it doesn't want to leave 'home'

THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. Sometimes known as the " ICE CREAM VAN SHIT" due to the way it is laid down.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the "DRINKER'S SHIT".

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "STILL GOING" shit.

THE SURPRISE SHIT
This is where you go to fart, and this one pops out.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from "THE LOG SHIT".)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

THE BOSTON STRANGLER
Try as you might, the damn thing won't snap off. This is the more serious version of the "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE"

 

[94TalonEs]

a young man, as he is about to marry his fiance, sits nervously in the back of the church waiting for the ceremony to commence. As he waits, he starts talking to his grandfather:
young man- " I'm a little nervous about being married; I mean, are we supposed to have sex every day, or does it stop for a while now?"
grandfather- "At first, sonny, you will have sex every day... sometimes several times a day. Then, after a while, it turns into once a week, then once a month, then only on special occassions."
young man- "ohh, i see... so what about you and grandma?"
grandfather- "After nearly 55 years of marriage, all we have now is oral sex."
young man- "whats that?"
grandfather- "I walk in my bedroom, she walks in hers and yells FU(K YOU, and I yell FU(K YOU TOO!"

jay

 

[Maxim]

A child plays with his trains as his mother cooks dinner in the kitchen. As he plays with them, she overhears him. "woo wooo, next stop Farlington. If this is your stop get of the ####ing train. And to you all boarding, hurry up and get on the ####ing train. " She is very disturbed by this, but figures she misheard him, so ignores it. She continues dinner, and conitues to listen in...."woo wooo, next stop Greenville, if this is your stop get off the ####ing train, and to you boarding, hurry up and get on the ####ing train" This is the mother's breaking point. She rushes out into the living room pulls her son up by the ear, and says "its time out for you son. Sit in the corner for an hour and think about the language you used." So, after an hour and fifteen minutes, she is sitting reading the newspaper, waiting for dinner to finish cooking, and she hears her son playing with the trains again. This time she listens very intently. "woo wooo, next stop Agdenville, if this is your stop, get off the train. To those of you boarding, if you are wondering why the train is an hour and fifteen minutes late, ask the stupid #### in the kitchen. "

 

[ivanr4g63]

There's this woman who works at night on the streets selling sex, you know a prostitute..., so she's so tired of going to bed with man and not getting any satisfaction at all, that one day she goes to the sex-toys store and ask the guy at the counter:
Do you have vibrators...? but i'm looking for something big, cause I'm want to have an orgasm...
The guy said:
Yes sure, you see that wall, everything I got you can see it hanging in there, select the one you like the most...
Lady: How much is that Red one...?
Guy: I'm sorry ma'am I can't sell you that one...
Lady: But why...?
Guy: Cause that's my Fire Extinguisher...!!!

 

[ivanr4g63]

This one is not funny...

This really old man who rich goes to the doctor...

-Hey doctor how are you...
-But what a surprise mr. bert, long time no see, but tell me what brings you to my office...
-well you see I just married this young girl and...
-What you got married again...! but mr. bert you're 79 years old...
-yeah I know, but she's so hot, and you know she wants to have family, and I really don't want to loose her... I need your help doctor.
-Well first thing you must do, is let me examine your sperm sample, So here's what your going to do: Here's these plastic container, in here your going to bring me a sample of your sperm, you can go to this room on the blue door, in there you're gonna find videos, magazines, and more stuff to help fill this container more easily... get it...?
-Ok doctor, i'll do that, be back in a little time
-Well don't rush, take all the time you need...

So the doctor starts hearing all kind of strugling on that room, things falling, and many other weird noises, the doctor start wondering what tha hell is going on there... after 2 complete hours of trouble, he goes and knock the door...

-mr bert are you okay... are you in there... are you done...

Mr bert come outta the room very pissed, and tells the doctor

-Damn it doctor I tryed 30 min with my left hand... nothing..., then I tryed 30 with my right hand.... nothing... then I tryed a whole hour with my two hand and I still can't open he damn container....!!!!!

 

[natef420]

a pirate walks into a doctors office with a tiny stearing wheel attatched to his penis. the woman at the front desk looked down and said "oh my god, what is that stearing wheel doing there?" the pirate replyed "arr, its driving me nuts"