Chuck Norris

[Lordpaxin]

BULLSHIT

Norris Skroged the life out of countless asian chicks,

remember the Braddock movies?

he was married to like 50 of them at the same time. and still wanted more.

 

[Injected]

I came across these on another forum that I'm a member of. I about died laughing. Chuck Norris even released a statement about it, which I will include at the end. IF you find any more, post them.

More Chuck!

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "####ing."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the #### down.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero. [my favorite - Injected]

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.

Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it. It peeled itself.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his
most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".

Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.

Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ####ing Indian.

Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.

When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the #### down.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas

A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.

It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it

Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET


I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

 

[jayman089]

Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

 

[ericbev]

The Chuck Norris lever on conan was the greastest thing ever.

 

[JDNSBR]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

[L2RTSiAWD]

Semi repost, but some I haven't seen.

 

[gsxitement]

The Chuck Norris lever on conan was the greastest thing ever.

..THE GREASTEST THING EVER! I laughed so hard watching that, I couldn't stop. It was so awesome. When the kid jumps off the ladder and the dude moves. Priceless. the joke they have here with the contra code is good...well, actually they're all really good. Yeah.

 

[Jay123]

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter i laughed my ass off on that one


ps...I want a Chuck Norris lever in my room when i get bored

 

[90tsi]

LMFAO who comes up with this stuff?

Is there a clip of that conan thing somewhere on the net?

 

[Game Over]

HAHA most of them are new to me, I have a pile of 40 or 50 others saved on my computer somewhere.

 

[EclipseTrbo420A]

I liek the one that says.

Chuck Norris once ate 45 steaks in an hour...He spent the first 50 minutes having sex with his waitress.

 

[90tsi]

LMFAO who comes up with this stuff?

Is there a clip of that conan thing somewhere on the net?

nvm found it on you tube!

 

[Wicked96GS-T]

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

I love that one .

 

[MrBentley]

Chuck norris masturbates ONLY to pictures of Chuck Norris

 

[BaddAssGst]

Oh man, call it my little kid sense of humor, but this shit cracks me up.

 

[FallouT]

i love this one:

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

 

[FallouT]

i found some clips of the walker lever enjoy: http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml

 

[TJGoSurf]

Chuck Norris drives a DSM, until he makes a show or movie then he drives an unequal vehicle to wreck it.

 

[spyder97gs]

Someone mind sharing what is so funny about these? I've seen a few them in random places, and they really make no sense to me...

 

[TJGoSurf]

A non-believer! Ban him!

 

[spyder97gs]

A non-believer! Ban him!

Maybe if I knew why/how/where they originated, I would find them funny. They are just out of the blue quotes to me that have no meaning to them.

 

[TJGoSurf]

www.chucknorrisfacts.com

Next you'll want us to explain the space time continium and how it effects your dsm.

 

[Blk95gs]

..THE GREASTEST THING EVER! I laughed so hard watching that, I couldn't stop. It was so awesome. When the kid jumps off the ladder and the dude moves. Priceless. the joke they have here with the contra code is good...well, actually they're all really good. Yeah.

AHA! Totally my favorite.

Especially when they cut back to Conan and he's flippping out like, "WHAAAAA?!?! THAT MAN JUST LET HIM FALL!!! THAT IS THE MOST DISTURBING THING I'VE EVER SEEN!"

 

[SBstar]

That video is great.

 

[theSicKness]

funney....here is one of my favorites...
chuck norris once discoverd a dead babey lamb on the set of walker texas ranger...with a pro longed beard rub he brought it back to life. after a crowed had gather Chuck Norris round house kicked the babey lamb in the face. killing it...then he replied " the good chuck givith and the good chuck takith away."

haha