Anyone? TO be honest I don't even know what I'm looking at, let alone what wires are hacked up

I'm pretty sure that is your ECU, not the first place you should be. As far as wires spliced into it, not sure. I would check your fuses for sure. There is a small one up under the area where the pedals are, like 6in from the door. I know for sure there is a 15A fuse for the cig lighter.

right, I checked every single fuse, I bought a pack of fuses and replaced them all just to be sure. no change, Its got to be this hack-job wiring nightmare but I have no idea what each individual wire thats been cut/spliced/twisted is originally meant to do.

Here is the pinout for the 2g turbo ECU. It will let you see what has been cut into, but the ECU doesn't control interior lights/cig lighter.

http://www.dsmtuners.com/threads/2g-turbo-ecu-pinout-w-wire-colors.281763/